Justice....

After The Miz beat up and beat Fandango on Raw the lights turn off its all silent for a while when Michael cole is about to say 'Whats going o..
He is interupted by Some one talking... We hear a agressive tough crazy voice saying 'Its a common fact that is forbidden ohhh (Sarcasticly) 'that this company is not justified,fair, not corrupted what ever the fuck you want to call it now if you disagree i will convince you right away with these statements'... 'How can a wrestling company be justified when the Intercontenental champion is a camp, gay and down right queer man? Exactly its not justified oh and bye the way this man even has a fucking weirdo name as well Curtis Jonathan Hussey what a fucking queer as name... 'Oh bye the way this truth state ment is not for children or the dying elderly so dont fucking watch fat cunt parents get your children to bed and Vince how about you just die by torture while your at it now you may ask your self why is this man saying this ill tell you why Vince Mcmohoan is a cheating, bullying and not many people know this... But a pedophil...... You hear struggling and shouting to 'let me go'! The lights turn back on and Fandango is still knocked out in ring.....

Hey Dashing I'll let you handle this one.

I don't think you want me to handle this one.

Ditto

Wait What???

Since these two bozo's aren't going to, I'll grade this.

To start with, you need a better understanding of the words that you have used in this promo, for example 'not corrupt' is a good thing, so it's strange for Seth to be complaining about that. It's downright disrespectful to use the slurs that you have in that one short sentence about Fandango as well. I realise that this is a league, but we aren't going to tolerate that anywhere, including in your promos. Then you go on to talk about the 'dying elderly'... Again, this is just a completely random thing to put in there, it makes no sense and it takes away from the rest of your promo. I know we haven't told you this yet but in this league, Vince McMahon was killed off so he won't be dying by torture any time soon. Onto the slurring again, we can't tolerate you calling someone a pedophile.

There is no format to this promo, it's nothing but a big block of text. You should take a look at other promos that have been posted on this site, follow by example. Use pictures to explain your statements, but please think about the pictures before you use them. Also, space it out a bit more, let it breathe, don't cramp all of the talking and all of the descriptive writing into one big block, use colours and spaces to separate them.

I'm assuming that this is your first promo in any league so I tried not to be too hard on you but you really need to think about the way that you should go from here. Like I said before, read promos from some of the other members and try to improve on your own for next week.


+1SP Promo + 1SP Debut

Thank you Dash but I didn't ask you to do this. Punisher graded this already yesterday which I asked him to delete because I want Seth to have another attempt at writing this with some more understanding of how things work and I've already said this to him to which he agreed. Again thanks for doing this but it's kinda pointless.

Alveuss wrote:

Thank you Dash but I didn't ask you to do this. Punisher graded this already yesterday which I asked him to delete because I want Seth to have another attempt at writing this with some more understanding of how things work and I've already said this to him to which he agreed. Again thanks for doing this but it's kinda pointless.

To be honest, everyone has a bad first promo, but it's a learning curve, there's no need to force him to make this one again because he can always look back at it and see just how much he's improved.